Music-A Form Of Expression When We Can't Say All That We Want To

Music is capable of soothing the soul, inspiring us to dance, filling the heart with joy, and saying the things we're unable to say. I love music that makes me feel something, and this video, "Only One" by Alex Band, is a song that does just that. The music is beautiful and the lyrics drew me in the first time I heard them.

Alex Band, "Only One"

My eyes are painted red, the canvas of my soul. We're slowly breaking down again. Today I heard the news, the story's gettin' old. When will we see the end of the days we bleed for what we need to forgive, forget, move on. 'Cause we got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from fallin'. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us. Only one. Only one.

The writing's on the wall, those who came before left pictures frozen still in time. You say you want it all, but whose side you fightin' for? I sit and wonder why there are nights we sleep when others, they weep with regret. We bend, be strong 'cause we got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from fallin'. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us. Only one. Only one. Just you and I under one sky.

Upside Down and Inside Out

Bad things happen. People leave. You don't always get what you want. People can be mean. You fall apart. You watch the world move on without you. You wonder "Why?". Life is full of so many twists and turns and no matter what we do to prepare, we can never be completely ready for what happens. Today taught me that some things can't be fixed and are better left broken. But what do you do when the thing that's broken is something as significant as, say, your family?

A year ago my sister Alyssa eloped on the Strip with someone my family didn't like. This person had been a friend of mine at one point and is significantly older than my little sister. Through the years that I have known him, I learned of the person that he is. Our friendship faded because he was not the kind of person I wanted in my life. He made me uncomfortable and when Alyssa started dating him, I begged her not to. Despite the protests of my parents, myself, and the rest of my siblings, Alyssa packed up her things and left home May 8, 2009 while my family was out of the house. She left a note as an explanation and cut us off to be with someone none of us liked, turning my family upside down.

My family spent the past year trying to put itself back together. It was difficult. There was hurt and anger; embarrassment and disbelief. Then, just a couple weeks ago, Alyssa decided to come back. It was like everything had been turned inside out again. Suddenly we had to pretend like nothing had happened. Everything revolved around them because my mother was so happy to have her daughter back. My sister's birthday party, my birthday party, everything my family did was all about them. My siblings and I have had to walk on eggshells because if Josh and Alyssa left again it would be "our fault". This is no way to live and tonight I finally had enough of the dysfunctional pretending.

World War III won't hold a candle to the fight that exploded at the dinner table in my parents' home. The arrogant, selfish, scumbag that my sister married sat in the home I grew up in and spewed such incredible bs, accusing me of things that were so beyond true, that all I could do was get up from the kitchen table and walk out the front door. I don't know where to go from here but I do know that I want nothing to do with the current situation.

How do you mend something that is unmendable. How do you stomache being around someone who makes your skin crawl? How do you stop the tears that come with knowing that your family is divided and your mother won't take your side? How do you move past the pain and hurt caused by people who care only about themselves, think they know everything about everything (including you), and have a disguting sense of entitlement?

My entire life my mother has thrown "family loyalty" in my face. If I didn't do what my mother wanted, I didn't have family loyalty. As I sat at the table tonight, being pushed beyond my limit, all I could think was "Where's the loyalty now?".

Lessons Learned

In the past few years I have fallen, picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started to climb again only to fall once more. I have repeated this process more times than I care to count and each time I have fallen I have prayed to my Heavenly Father that picking myself up would be easier than it was the time before. I have made some good decisions but I have also made some poor ones and have paid dearly for them. Somewhere along the way I lost my faith and was convinced that I could run my life by myself (without guidance from the Lord) then was floored by the disappointments I faced. Here are a few of the lessons I've learned this year:

1. You can't make someone love and value you if they don't love and value themselves.
2. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.
3. Pride is the death sentence of all relationship.
4. You should never be with a person who makes you cry more than they make you smile.
5. There are people that you will never be able to please; it's not your fault, these people are at such odds with themselves that nothing you do or say will ever be good enough.
6. Addictions are like cancer, they infect and destroy everything they touch.
7. People who don't trust themselves will never be able to trust you. Once again, this is not your fault.

Perfection

As I was looking for something in the container where I keep all of my creative writing, I came across something rather interesting. I happened to stumble upon my "List". When I was sixteen, some friends and I sat down and created our "Perfect Man". We each put together a list of all of the qualities (physical attributes included) that the man we were going to marry would possess. Because at sixteen, we were all going to marry the man of our dreams. I read over my "List" several times then sat for a moment or two just staring at the words that I had so desperately hoped would one day be embodied in my version of perfection. Who is this perfect man you ask? Let me describe him to you (in no particular order)...

Educated (College Degree)
Smart (which in fact is different than educated)
6'0" or taller
Blonde Hair
Blue Eyes
Older than me (I have this hang up with wanting to feel like I'm in a relationship with a man and not raising a little boy)
Medium build/Fit but not too fit
WittyPlayful (but knows when to be serious)
Can out talk me (a man that is smarter than me and eloquent enough to talk me in circles is the most attractive man I could ever meet)
Challenges me both mentally and physically
Sacrcastic (but not mean)
CharmingGood sense of humor (can make me laugh when I want to cry)
Southern/ "Country Boy"
Can cook/will cook with me
Drives a truck
Likes to go out but also enjoys staying in with a movie
Likes Country music
Likes to dance/will take me dancing
Will dance with me in the rain
Sings
Likes History (Would go with me to a museum just as quick as he would go to a football game.)
Likes the outdoors (camping, hiking, rock climbing, and sports of course)
Cultured (enjoys art, music, and theater)
Romantic (but not overly sappy)
Military (Preferrably Air Force) Integrity is sexy!
Motivated
Ambitious
Successful
Passionate (about life, things that are important to him, his convictions)
Speaks a foreign language
Hard worker
Likes Sushi, Indian, and Thai food
Banters with me (Bu doesn't constantly correct me/need to be right)
Spontanious (but also reliable)
Honest (I can't stand being lied to)
Strong but gentle
Affectionate
Kind
Wants kids/Will make a good father
Adventurous
Likes to travel
Kinda nerdy but has the "cool factor" (referring to his style and the way he presents himself in public. Yes, I like a certain dress style on a guy)
Honors his Priesthood.
Doesn't Drink
My Best Friend
Adores me as much as I adore him

As you can see from my "List", at sixteen I knew exactly what I wanted...a man that I was told didn't exist. I was told that it would be impossible to find a single person that possessed every quality on my list, and so far that has been the case...but as impossible as I was told finding this man would be, I have come within 98% with the potential for the other 2% and though there were moments that came close, it was less than perfect.

A list of qualities doesn't make someone good for you. As time has gone by and I have moved on from the person I thought was "everything I ever wanted", I have come to realize that he was so far from what I was looking for that it amazes me that I couldn't see it. I was too focused on my list of "perfection".

Maybe we're not supposed to seek perfection. Maybe we're just supposed to try to find someone that we can be happy with regardless of the color of their eyes, their taste in music, the job they have, the vehicle they drive, or where they were raised. And maybe, when we've done away with our blueprint for "everything we have ever wanted" we will actually find our version of perfection...