Sometimes, Crying In The Shower Is All You Need

Life has a way of beating you up, tearing you down, and wearing you out. The past year has been a rough one and I'll be the first to admit that I probably could have handled some of the ups and downs a little better. In my defense, when your heart aches all the time and that feeling of emptiness just won't go away, the best way to handle a situation isn't always the first answer we turn to. Sometimes we do the first thing we can think of to make the pain go away. We cut people out of our lives, we make hasty decisions, we lose things that matter to us, and we grieve in our own way. For me, I pretend to be okay. I hold it together the best I can then fall apart in private...when I can...sometimes holding it together is more than you can handle.

I came across an article entitled "Breaking up: Tips to Get Over A Break Up or Romantic Loss" By Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway. At first, the thought of crying as a way of healing seemed a little bit off to me. I mean, how does falling apart and becoming a sobbing mess help anything? Then it started to make some sense. Have you ever noticed how when life is particularly rough, all you want to do is cry? I've heard lots of people say that they feel so much better after having a good cry. Girls get together and make a full blown event of it.

I wanted to share the part of the article I found most interesting:

"There is only one way I know of to get to the other side of the pain...crying. There will be many times daily that you will have to hold it together and pretend you are fine, but for the sake of healing your broken heart, be sure to set aside time every day to cry like a baby! Here are a few ways to encourage crying out those healing tears:

1. Crying in the shower

The shower is like a temple to tears. It is already filled with water. It is refreshing, cleansing and revitalizing. The shower knows no difference between your tears and itself, so there is a blending of waters that is very healing.

2. Crying over Sad Movies

Rent the saddest movies you know and those you've heard about. Watch movies about breaking up and break downs in relationships. There is something oddly comforting in watching someone else going through what you are feeling. They act out your inner most agonies and fears; they feel tortured and restless, they find release and solace, they find resolution and healing.

3. Listen to Music that Makes You Cry Your Eyes Out

Another way to bring up some of the pain buried deep inside is through music. The sadness of Mary Magdalene hangs heavy in popular songs, such as, "If I could See You One More Time" from the Message in a Bottle sound track; "If I Could," performed by Barbara Streisand; and "My Heart Will Go On" hauntingly sung by Celine Dion.

Grieving the end of a relationship is a natural stepping-stone in healing a wounded heart. But be assured, at some point your grief and heartache will transform itself into surviving a broken heart, and ultimately with (some introspection and reflection) into transcending it. But for now, just let go and cry."
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After reading the article, I believe that it applies to any situation where heartbreak, disappointment, and loss are a factor. We all know that love isn't the only thing that hurts to lose. We grieve over failures, loss of family members, trials, and dozens of other heartbreak worthy situations.

It's been a particularly rough week and a couple days ago I found myself consumed by the grief of everything that has been going wrong. I woke up overwhelmed and distraught over the hand life has dealt me at this particular moment. The pain was excruciating and I found myself struggling to hold it together. I got into the shower to get ready for my day and as the hot water started to relax the tense muscles in my back, the tears started to flow. Tears of frustration, grief, love, fear, loneliness, stress, doubt, and a handful of other emotions that I had been suppressing. I cried over a boy who had treated me badly and let me down, leaving me feeling worthless. I cried over the disappointment of watching a dream slip through my fingers and all the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's". I cried over the fear of what the next couple months are going to bring with the loss of my condo and the uncertainty of how I was going to accomplish my goals. I cried over feeling alone and defeated.

The sudden rush of emotions was painful and consuming. My heart hurt, I felt cold despite the hot water, and I finally felt everything I had tried to avoid feeling. When all my tears had mixed with the water rushing down the drain and there was nothing left, a feeling of peace settled and hope that I would be okay filled the hole left by the pain I had washed away.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”~ Washington Irving

Lesson From A Dear Friend

Me

*Jason* bailed on me this weekend...again

2:02pmColin

What?

2:02pmMe

I was in Provo

We were supposed to get together

And he was supposed to go to Conference with me

He completely bailed on me

2:02pmColin

And you are attempting to hang out with him, why?

2:03pmMe

I told him I was done and he just said "Okay...it makes sense"

I deleted his phone number from my phone

He sent me a text saying "I'm sorry.."

I didn't respond and he made his status "I'm glad that's over..."

I may punch him when I see him in the detachment next semester

2:05pmColin

For you, associating with *Jason* is like getting burned, and it hurting you badly, yet still playing with fire because you like it even though the burns will only get worse.

So I am glad that you are throwing away the match book with his number written on it]

2:07pmMe

I have cried and cried and cried for 3 days

2:08pmColin

I have been wallowing in deep depression, stress and anxiety so you should know that misery loves company and you are in good company.

2:08pmMe

:(

I was a sobbing mess this morning

Emotional pain and I just don't get along

2:10pmColin

I am very sorry that you are so heart broken but you really need to just let him go. You deserve a MAN not a sissy little boy like *Jason*. You should have some one who loves you and adores you and will do anything and everything in their power to make sure that you never feel the way you did this morning or at anytime during this grieving period you have experienced for love lost.

2:13pmColin

I completely understand where you are coming from. I also don't handle negative emotions very well. I have a broken knuckle on my right hand that is now becoming severely arthritic due to my inability to cope with a rush of negative emtions in a correct way and punched something, snapping it like a twig and scarring my hand for life. I have cried with the best of them and wallowed in self pity until I nearly drowned myself in my own tears, but there comes a time when you just have to say "No More!"

2:14pmColin

I am not going to take this anymore, I am not going to be with some one or even around people that make me feel this way and I am going to pick myself up and dust myself off and gather what ever parts of me are broken and fix them.

2:16pmColin

I am going to build myself better, stronger, and faster than I was. I am going to laugh harder and love more. I am going to find myself and never let go of who I am and who I want to be. I am going to wash in the spirit if the Lord and remove all the ick that I have allowed to seep into my life and become the change in the world that I want to see.

2:19pmColin

Love is a many splended thing, but the opposite of Love is not HATE, it is indifference. When you love someone, you unknowingly and unwittingly allow them slight dominion over you. Their ideas and thoughts influence you in ways that no one else's will, so in effect the have control over you. So does Hate, it can do all the same things to a person that Love can just in the negative. When you Love someone, you will try to move mountains for them. When you hate them, you will try to move mountains on top of them.

2:21pmColin

Yet, when you become indifferent you are able to let go all the feelings you have, good and bad, and just be you again. You call the shot as to who you are and what you think. =You no longer are influenced by them or their actions because you just don't care who they are, what they think, who they hang out with or what they do. That is where you should strive to be.

2:23pmMe

As I sit here fighting the tears, all I can think is "Wow! Can I borrow that for my blog?"

lol

I'm such a dork

Mirrors

"Did you ever go out to the fun house to play and look at the mirrors?
They bend up your face and widen your waist and alter the shape of your hair.
In one place you're as huge as a hot hair balloon and another as thin as a stick.
At first you're as slim as a telephone pole and everywhere else you are thick.
Some people are mirrors reflecting to us an image we really are not.
If we think that those mirrors are telling the truth, we've been blinded to all that we've got.
Some say that we're onry or stupid or weird, some say that we're stuck up or fat.
But in others real view is a reflection of you that doesn't have any of that.
Who are the best mirrors that you and I have? Who gives a reflection that's true?
Who sees us for all that's hidden inside? Father in Heaven that's who.
You've also got teachers and parents and friends whose reflections are true and correct.
When Peers say you're homely or hotty or dumb, God says you're my child, you're elect.
So get out some paper and pick up a pen and write down what others may say,
Then turn over and fill it with things the Lord and Prophets convey.
On one side you'll have all that others have said, some are true, some are hard to conceive.
Then turn to God's side and ask yourself "Which side am I going to believe?"
~John Bytheway

Throughout our lives we are given all sorts of labels. These labels are given to us by people who may or may not know us well enough to make a judgment, but feel they have some sort of right to try to define us. In my short 25 years of life, I have received many different labels; some uplifting and encouraging, others painful and demeaning, and some completely contradictory. I have been labeled as smart, stupid, amazing, beautiful, difficult, fat, fun, soulless, the nicest person in the world, crazy, determined, spitfire, "hott", emotionless, compassionate, selfish, sweet, motivated, lazy, funny, independent, stubborn, gorgeous, talented, blunt, empathetic, evil, cold, delicious, stuck up, cocky, cute, wonderful, and the list goes on and on.

What we call each other becomes what we think of each other, and it matters. As children of God, we need to be careful not only how we try to define others, but also how we allow the opinions and labels of others to affect the way we view ourselves. In a world where we are constantly told what's wrong with us and that we're somehow lacking, we need to remember that these opinions hold no value. Our worth is not determined by how others view us.

In Max Lucado's "You Are Special", we are reminded that God's opinion of us is more important than the opinions of those around us. "You are special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."



We are all children of God, therefore we are each of incomprehensible worth. The world will beat us up. People we love will say hurtful things. People we've never met will pass judgment based solely on our appearance. We need to make sure that we reflect the truth when dealing with others. Are you a fun house mirror that distorts the reflections of those who look to you, making it difficult for them to see who they are? Or are you a true mirror, someone who shows others who they truly are and allows them to see themselves the way our Heavenly Father sees them?

I Knew What You Were When I Picked You Up

We all do things we know we shouldn't, then wonder why we suffer so much when the consequences follow.


But You Promised!
As Told By Iron Eyes Cody

Many years ago Indian braves would go away in solitude to prepare for manhood. One hiked into a beautiful valley, green with trees and bright with flowers. There as he looked up at the surrounding mountains, he noticed a rugged peak capped with dazzling snow.

"I will test myself against that mountain," he thought. He put on his buffalo hide shirt, threw his blanket over his shoulders, and set off to climb the pinnacle. When he reached the top, he stood on the rim of the world. He could see forever, and his heart swelled with pride.

Then he heard a rustle at his feet. Looking down, he saw a snake. Before he could move, the snake spoke. "I am about to die," said the snake. "It is too cold up here and there is no food. Put me under your coat and take me down to the valley."

"No," said the youth. "I know your kind. You are a rattle snake. If I pick you up, you will bite me, and your bite will kill me."

"Not so," said the snake. "I will treat you differently. If you do this for me, I will not harm you."

The youth resisted awhile, but this was a very persuasive snake. At last the youth tucked the snake under his coat and carried it down to the valley. There he laid it down gently. Suddenly the snake coiled, rattled, leaped, and bit him on the leg.

"But you promised," cried the youth!

"You knew what I was when you picked me up," said the snake as it slithered away.


From the 1990 New Era talk by Robert B. Harbertson
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=7663a27ac5eeb010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Favorite Quotes

I am a collector of quotes, as you can tell from my previous post. Quotes are wonderful pearls of wisdom that can comfort the brokenhearted, uplift the disappointed, and inspire the great to be even greater.

Here are a couple of my favorite quotes about love:

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." ~ Morrie Schwartz

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

I absolutely love this one:

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum" :D

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”

“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”~ Washington Irving

My personal favorite at the moment:

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE"

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman quotes

I was once told that "love" is action word; it causes people to "do". When someone is in love they do things that they normally wouldn't do otherwise. When a man truly loves a woman, he will move Heaven and Earth to be with her. I'll continue to add to this post as I come across quotes I like. Some will be ridiculously sappy and others, I'm sure, will be like the one above. What are some of you favorite quotes?

Words To Live By

The past couple days have been rather interesting for me. I have been working for an exhibitor at the Women's Wear In Nevada trade show. I have been modeling and selling dresses from a clothing line out of New York called Raiment Fashions. The cutest 65 year old woman from India owns the line. Today during a lull in the show we started talking about life and the different things that happen to us as we get older. Mrs. Puri gave me some really great advice that I just have to share.

"You have to be very tactful in life to be successful in life."

"When life has a little pain or a little anything, remember there's something good behind it."

"Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn, seasons never stay forever so happiness and unhappiness doesn't stay forever. If you can stay steady through the happiness and unhappiness then you have conquered yourself. So if unhappiness comes, remember happiness isn't far away."

"Don't run after something you don't have and may never have. You'll keep running and and it'll keep moving forward. Enjoy what you have right now otherwise you won't enjoy right now and the future will never be in your hand."

"Let it come as it comes. The God who gives you life will take care of you. You just keep working, doing your best. Don't fight against it."

"The music of life is never without a chord of pain."

"If you think life is going to be smooth, you're absolutely wrong."

"Once you show peace of mind and contentment you'll have the whole world eating out of your hand."

"Stop expecting anything in life. You'll always get disappointed."

"Just keep thinking 'If it's mine it'll come but I'll do my work to collect it. If I get it, fine. If I don't, fine. It'll all be okay."

"Every day is a learning experience. The day you stop learning is the day you stop living."

"Never reply immediately. Always say 'Let me think. I'll let you know'. "

"Give it time. If you're angry you have to get it out of your system so write it down on a piece of paper and read it in 2 days. You'll see what a foolish thing you wrote."

"Be content with yourself and remember you're your best friend. You can make yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable."

"Life is a boomerang. If you give love you get love. If you throw a dish you'll get a dish thrown back at you."

After a couple minutes of discussing life, Mrs. Puri decided to shower pearls of wisdom upon me in the form of relationship advice. Since she's been married for over 40 years she felt she had adequate experience to be giving out advice on the matter.

"Why are you banging your head against the wall? Stay away from the wall. Let things fall on their own. By banging your head on the wall you're not going to get anything except pain."

"Love is not a measuring cup."

"You might fight each other, bash each other's heads, but never walk out on each other."

"You're not perfect. Why are you expecting the other person to be perfect?"

"In this country it's "I, I, I". Why not 'We, we, we"? We are one."

"Compromise is the key to a good relationship."

"Why are you talking about material things? Make it about love."

"Accept them as they are. Don't try to change them. Change yourself."

"You have to work things out. Communication is the most important thing."

"Love is like war and peace. When 2 countries get together they have to work things out. Be a diplomat."

"Stop thinking about 'He isn't thinking about me' or 'He doesn't miss me'. You're just punishing yourself. Be happy. Be your own best friend. Don't think 'He's not doing this so I'm not going to talk to him'. You're punishing yourself again. If you want to call him, call him. Be happy and he will get the vibes and he will follow."

"You like him, you have to be tactful and work around it."

"Change their thinking. Be strong in your character."

"When you do get married and you have children you might fight in front of the children. That's natural but never let the child talk back to you or your husband."

"No matter how wrong your husband is, never tell him in front of your children. That's the biggest mistake you'll make."

"Give your children unconditional love. Always tell them 'I love you' no matter what comes."

"You can go through good times and bad times but never walk out on each other."

"If he doesn't treat you right then he doesn't deserve you. Maybe there's another Mr. Right out there for you. If he's yours he'll come back, if he's not he won't."

I think some of this advice is helpful to just about anyone. We can all learn from those who have lived and gone through all of life's great experiences.

Love Remembers

You can forget what love was wearing when it walked out your front door, where you fell down to your knees. You can forget the kind of suitcase that was packed out on the sidewalk while you cried there begging please, but love remembers...Love remembers the smell of a summer day, lying in a hammock over fresh cut grass, and the promise of forever...Love remembers the sound of a pouring rain beating down on the top of the car on the side of the road where it cut away...

Craig Morgan has an amazing voice and his songs seem to say it just right. This song rings true for everyone who has ever been in a relationship that has come to an end. Of course, what love remembers is different for each of us. For me, love remembers airport terminals, turning to see him walking toward me in his BDUs, being picked up, spun around, then kissed for everyone to see, the smell of snow, horseback riding on a clear winter morning, the plans we made, the feel of his fingertips on my face, the rumble of an old beloved rusted truck, the taste of his kiss, watching him get ready for work and being so proud of him as he stood there in uniform, driving around base and seeing his world, daisies, smelling his cologne as I drifted off to sleep wearing his sweatshirt, the oddest chocolate cake I have ever made, and being thrown over his shoulder and carried across a parkling lot.

Why is it that love never remembers the fighting, anger, tears, stress, frustration and hurt that culminated in the end of the relationship? Why doesn't love remember all the awful things that were said and the hurtful things that were done? Why can't love remember all the things that happened when it was over that made you glad they were gone? Why won't love remember that you shouldn't miss them?

What does love remember for you?

Passive-Agressive Traits-Living With The Passive-Agressive Man

I recently got into a debate over what behaviors are considered Passive-Aggressive. I decided to look it up as to eliminate the cause for debate. I thought I would share what I found.

This is the "condensed" version. For the expanded version please see Dr. Wetzler's book, pages 35-37......

*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.

*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.

*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.

*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.

*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.

*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.

*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.

*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.

*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.

*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.

*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.

A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

You Sir, are Passive-Agressive. End of Debate.

Music-A Form Of Expression When We Can't Say All That We Want To

Music is capable of soothing the soul, inspiring us to dance, filling the heart with joy, and saying the things we're unable to say. I love music that makes me feel something, and this video, "Only One" by Alex Band, is a song that does just that. The music is beautiful and the lyrics drew me in the first time I heard them.

Alex Band, "Only One"

My eyes are painted red, the canvas of my soul. We're slowly breaking down again. Today I heard the news, the story's gettin' old. When will we see the end of the days we bleed for what we need to forgive, forget, move on. 'Cause we got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from fallin'. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us. Only one. Only one.

The writing's on the wall, those who came before left pictures frozen still in time. You say you want it all, but whose side you fightin' for? I sit and wonder why there are nights we sleep when others, they weep with regret. We bend, be strong 'cause we got one life to live, one love to give, one chance to keep from fallin'. One heart to break, one soul to take us, not forsake us. Only one. Only one. Just you and I under one sky.

Upside Down and Inside Out

Bad things happen. People leave. You don't always get what you want. People can be mean. You fall apart. You watch the world move on without you. You wonder "Why?". Life is full of so many twists and turns and no matter what we do to prepare, we can never be completely ready for what happens. Today taught me that some things can't be fixed and are better left broken. But what do you do when the thing that's broken is something as significant as, say, your family?

A year ago my sister Alyssa eloped on the Strip with someone my family didn't like. This person had been a friend of mine at one point and is significantly older than my little sister. Through the years that I have known him, I learned of the person that he is. Our friendship faded because he was not the kind of person I wanted in my life. He made me uncomfortable and when Alyssa started dating him, I begged her not to. Despite the protests of my parents, myself, and the rest of my siblings, Alyssa packed up her things and left home May 8, 2009 while my family was out of the house. She left a note as an explanation and cut us off to be with someone none of us liked, turning my family upside down.

My family spent the past year trying to put itself back together. It was difficult. There was hurt and anger; embarrassment and disbelief. Then, just a couple weeks ago, Alyssa decided to come back. It was like everything had been turned inside out again. Suddenly we had to pretend like nothing had happened. Everything revolved around them because my mother was so happy to have her daughter back. My sister's birthday party, my birthday party, everything my family did was all about them. My siblings and I have had to walk on eggshells because if Josh and Alyssa left again it would be "our fault". This is no way to live and tonight I finally had enough of the dysfunctional pretending.

World War III won't hold a candle to the fight that exploded at the dinner table in my parents' home. The arrogant, selfish, scumbag that my sister married sat in the home I grew up in and spewed such incredible bs, accusing me of things that were so beyond true, that all I could do was get up from the kitchen table and walk out the front door. I don't know where to go from here but I do know that I want nothing to do with the current situation.

How do you mend something that is unmendable. How do you stomache being around someone who makes your skin crawl? How do you stop the tears that come with knowing that your family is divided and your mother won't take your side? How do you move past the pain and hurt caused by people who care only about themselves, think they know everything about everything (including you), and have a disguting sense of entitlement?

My entire life my mother has thrown "family loyalty" in my face. If I didn't do what my mother wanted, I didn't have family loyalty. As I sat at the table tonight, being pushed beyond my limit, all I could think was "Where's the loyalty now?".

Lessons Learned

In the past few years I have fallen, picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started to climb again only to fall once more. I have repeated this process more times than I care to count and each time I have fallen I have prayed to my Heavenly Father that picking myself up would be easier than it was the time before. I have made some good decisions but I have also made some poor ones and have paid dearly for them. Somewhere along the way I lost my faith and was convinced that I could run my life by myself (without guidance from the Lord) then was floored by the disappointments I faced. Here are a few of the lessons I've learned this year:

1. You can't make someone love and value you if they don't love and value themselves.
2. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.
3. Pride is the death sentence of all relationship.
4. You should never be with a person who makes you cry more than they make you smile.
5. There are people that you will never be able to please; it's not your fault, these people are at such odds with themselves that nothing you do or say will ever be good enough.
6. Addictions are like cancer, they infect and destroy everything they touch.
7. People who don't trust themselves will never be able to trust you. Once again, this is not your fault.

Perfection

As I was looking for something in the container where I keep all of my creative writing, I came across something rather interesting. I happened to stumble upon my "List". When I was sixteen, some friends and I sat down and created our "Perfect Man". We each put together a list of all of the qualities (physical attributes included) that the man we were going to marry would possess. Because at sixteen, we were all going to marry the man of our dreams. I read over my "List" several times then sat for a moment or two just staring at the words that I had so desperately hoped would one day be embodied in my version of perfection. Who is this perfect man you ask? Let me describe him to you (in no particular order)...

Educated (College Degree)
Smart (which in fact is different than educated)
6'0" or taller
Blonde Hair
Blue Eyes
Older than me (I have this hang up with wanting to feel like I'm in a relationship with a man and not raising a little boy)
Medium build/Fit but not too fit
WittyPlayful (but knows when to be serious)
Can out talk me (a man that is smarter than me and eloquent enough to talk me in circles is the most attractive man I could ever meet)
Challenges me both mentally and physically
Sacrcastic (but not mean)
CharmingGood sense of humor (can make me laugh when I want to cry)
Southern/ "Country Boy"
Can cook/will cook with me
Drives a truck
Likes to go out but also enjoys staying in with a movie
Likes Country music
Likes to dance/will take me dancing
Will dance with me in the rain
Sings
Likes History (Would go with me to a museum just as quick as he would go to a football game.)
Likes the outdoors (camping, hiking, rock climbing, and sports of course)
Cultured (enjoys art, music, and theater)
Romantic (but not overly sappy)
Military (Preferrably Air Force) Integrity is sexy!
Motivated
Ambitious
Successful
Passionate (about life, things that are important to him, his convictions)
Speaks a foreign language
Hard worker
Likes Sushi, Indian, and Thai food
Banters with me (Bu doesn't constantly correct me/need to be right)
Spontanious (but also reliable)
Honest (I can't stand being lied to)
Strong but gentle
Affectionate
Kind
Wants kids/Will make a good father
Adventurous
Likes to travel
Kinda nerdy but has the "cool factor" (referring to his style and the way he presents himself in public. Yes, I like a certain dress style on a guy)
Honors his Priesthood.
Doesn't Drink
My Best Friend
Adores me as much as I adore him

As you can see from my "List", at sixteen I knew exactly what I wanted...a man that I was told didn't exist. I was told that it would be impossible to find a single person that possessed every quality on my list, and so far that has been the case...but as impossible as I was told finding this man would be, I have come within 98% with the potential for the other 2% and though there were moments that came close, it was less than perfect.

A list of qualities doesn't make someone good for you. As time has gone by and I have moved on from the person I thought was "everything I ever wanted", I have come to realize that he was so far from what I was looking for that it amazes me that I couldn't see it. I was too focused on my list of "perfection".

Maybe we're not supposed to seek perfection. Maybe we're just supposed to try to find someone that we can be happy with regardless of the color of their eyes, their taste in music, the job they have, the vehicle they drive, or where they were raised. And maybe, when we've done away with our blueprint for "everything we have ever wanted" we will actually find our version of perfection...