Upside Down and Inside Out

Bad things happen. People leave. You don't always get what you want. People can be mean. You fall apart. You watch the world move on without you. You wonder "Why?". Life is full of so many twists and turns and no matter what we do to prepare, we can never be completely ready for what happens. Today taught me that some things can't be fixed and are better left broken. But what do you do when the thing that's broken is something as significant as, say, your family?

A year ago my sister Alyssa eloped on the Strip with someone my family didn't like. This person had been a friend of mine at one point and is significantly older than my little sister. Through the years that I have known him, I learned of the person that he is. Our friendship faded because he was not the kind of person I wanted in my life. He made me uncomfortable and when Alyssa started dating him, I begged her not to. Despite the protests of my parents, myself, and the rest of my siblings, Alyssa packed up her things and left home May 8, 2009 while my family was out of the house. She left a note as an explanation and cut us off to be with someone none of us liked, turning my family upside down.

My family spent the past year trying to put itself back together. It was difficult. There was hurt and anger; embarrassment and disbelief. Then, just a couple weeks ago, Alyssa decided to come back. It was like everything had been turned inside out again. Suddenly we had to pretend like nothing had happened. Everything revolved around them because my mother was so happy to have her daughter back. My sister's birthday party, my birthday party, everything my family did was all about them. My siblings and I have had to walk on eggshells because if Josh and Alyssa left again it would be "our fault". This is no way to live and tonight I finally had enough of the dysfunctional pretending.

World War III won't hold a candle to the fight that exploded at the dinner table in my parents' home. The arrogant, selfish, scumbag that my sister married sat in the home I grew up in and spewed such incredible bs, accusing me of things that were so beyond true, that all I could do was get up from the kitchen table and walk out the front door. I don't know where to go from here but I do know that I want nothing to do with the current situation.

How do you mend something that is unmendable. How do you stomache being around someone who makes your skin crawl? How do you stop the tears that come with knowing that your family is divided and your mother won't take your side? How do you move past the pain and hurt caused by people who care only about themselves, think they know everything about everything (including you), and have a disguting sense of entitlement?

My entire life my mother has thrown "family loyalty" in my face. If I didn't do what my mother wanted, I didn't have family loyalty. As I sat at the table tonight, being pushed beyond my limit, all I could think was "Where's the loyalty now?".