Sneak Peek

As many of you know, I love to write. A dream of mine at one point was to write the next Great American Novel; a dream which has eluded me thus far. Life has the strange ability of getting in the way of our dreams if we don't continually pursue them. We must fight for our right to dream or we will simply become just another mediocre member of the masses. Our ability to dream sets us apart from the animals...Well, that and opposable thumbs...

That tangent aside, I have started writing again. Little bits and pieces here and there, moments, scenes that flash into my mind, and the start of a novel that I hope will be my first professionally published project. Here is a sneak peek at something I am currently working on. It is in it's original form; raw and unedited, but it is the most "real" of anything I have ever written.

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Hate. It is such an ugly, vicious, awful word. However, it seemed to be the only one that fit. I knew this moment would come. That unpleasant twist of fate when our paths would cross and I would have to see him again. Living less than a mile and a half away from each other in the same small college town and going to the same school, I was surprised this moment had taken so long to arrive.

I saw him before he saw me. I avoided making eye contact, naively hoping that we would simply slip past each other like strangers on the street, continuing on with our lives as though we had never known one another. We continued to walk toward each other on the sidewalk along 9th street. The moment of recognition was impossible to miss. That loathsome, condescending smile I knew all too well played across his face. My stomach turned as I realized my hopes of simply slipping by unscathed were about to be shattered.

"How's it goin'?" he asked almost mockingly, grinning as though to dismiss all that had happened between us over the past year. I turned to shoulder my way past him without a word. "Wow...Really?...You really are something else. Whatever." came the anticipated comment on my actions. I mouthed the words to myself as he directed them to my back while I continued to walk away. I knew him too well. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him, refusing to look back as he walked in the opposite direction. There was no fight in him when it came to me. Even when we were dating he would rather walk away than work out any issues we had. When I was so miserable and broken-hearted that I just couldn't take it anymore, he preferred to simply let me go rather than do what it took to make it work.

His voice at my side surprised me. Instead of shrugging me off and walking away, he had come after me. Not a typical "Jason" thing to do. "What's your problem?" he asked in his very typical "Jason" way. There was always something wrong with me. I always had a problem. I continued to walk, a step or two ahead of him. "Would you just stop for a second?" he demanded, grabbing my arm to ensure I obeyed his request. "Don't. Touch. Me." Venom dripped from each perfectly enunciated word as I turned and shoved him hard in the chest, forcing him to let go of my arm and back away from me. "What the crap, Anna?" Jason snarled. "What part of 'I don't want to know you anymore' don't you understand?" I fought to control the anger seeping in. "I just wanted to talk to you for a second, but obviously that's too much to ask." he retorted. "Unless the words 'I'm sorry for being a selfish, lying jerk for the past year and treating you like a worthless, broken burden and waste of my time' are about to come out of your mouth, don't bother wasting your breath or my time." I spat.

"Wow. You have issues." he said shaking his head. In the span of a second, a flood of remembered words flashed through my mind like an audio track. "You have issues.", "You're messed up, Anna.", "You're ridiculous.", "You're just a stuck up, cocky little girl who expects the world to worship the ground she walks on.", "You're just a spitfire.", "You're just difficult.", "You're too much like your mother and that's not okay.", "I'm sorry I'm not as good at being an asshole as you are.", "You're crazy.", "You're just not my cup of tea.". All the cutting, demeaning things Jason had said to me while we were dating, and after I finally said enough is enough, rushed back to me. I thought of the countless nights I cried myself to sleep over him while we were together and during the eight months since.

"Fine. I have issues. I'm messed up and crazy. I accept it. In fact, I embrace it and thank God for it, if only for the simple fact that my being so broken that my existence makes 'your life difficult, and requires so much energy from you that your brain screams at you to 'stay away', keeps you the hell away from me." I fumed. A year's worth of pain and disappointment started to bubble up from the place I had locked it all away. I couldn't remember ever hating someone as much as I hated Jason at that moment. I have never known anyone as mean, selfish, cold, and cruel as me ex. He made me feel worthless and broken, as though nothing I could ever do would be worthy of a comment as simple as "Good job." or "I'm proud of you.".

"You, of all people..." I started, choked on the anger bubbling up with my words, then tried again. "You are the last person in the world who should be telling anyone they have issues! You, a man so wrapped up and consumed by the most dangerous of all addictions that you are incapable of intimacy with another human being. How dare you look down on me as though I am the broken one!" I could feel myself shaking with rage. Jason looked at me in stunned silence. "I would erase you from my memory if I could." My voice elevated slightly as I took a step toward him. "If I could go back and make it as though I had never known you, I would. I was happy before you. For the first time in a year, I was finally happy again. I had finally found the courage to chase a dream that I had been too afraid to chase before and I loved my life. I was doing well in school, I was getting ready to transfer to BYU, and I loved being a Cadet. Then you came along, like a cancer or disease that infected every aspect of my life. I got the lowest GPA of my College career the semester I dated you. The constant arguing and drama, the hours of having the same discussion over and over again, completely destroyed my overall GPA and ability to transfer to BYU. You turned the thing I loved most, being a Cadet, into something that made me less deserving of being loved. Now, I'm not transferring to the Detachment here because I would rather not be an Officer than have anything good in my life be linked to you in any way. You tainted every good thing I had going for me. Who the hell were you to decide that I wanted all the wrong things and had all the wrong dreams? If I am so unbelievably broken, why did you even date me in the first place?" I was yelling. I had snapped.

I was finally letting go of all the pain and anger that had been bottled up. I took a deep breath and became aware of my surroundings. I had just torn Jason apart on the sidewalk of one of the busiest "foot traffic" streets in Provo. Now I could feel the tears streaming down my face. Jason and I stood staring at each other in silence. As the onlookers who had gathered tried to decide whether to stay or leave before I noticed them.

Jason's face held an expression I had never seen it wear before. Astonishment, like he was seeing me for the first time. I could have continued; the words were practically pouring from my mouth, but I was exhausted and he wasn't worth it. "You are the worst mistake I have ever made and I do not want to even know you anymore. There is nothing good in you for me. There is nothing left here for you to take or break. Leave me alone." I turned and walked away, leaving Jason standing, mouth slightly open, alone on the sidewalk.

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This is the first, first draft. Untouched, unedited, unaltered. It was written as I "saw" it play out in my mind. When I go through and make revisions, I'm sure the scene will change a little and it may even work better. Let me know what you think, but please be gentle.